


AN ORIGINAL FARCE, 



IN ONE ACT. 



WALLOP'S WOOING, 



R. R. AXBREWS, Esq. 

Al'THOR OF "SILVERSTOXE'S WAGER," "SHE'S FAST ASLEEP," ETC. 
TO WHICH IS ADDED 

A DESCRIPTION OF COSTUME, CAST OF CHARACTERS, ENTRANCES AND 

EXITS, RELATIVE POSITIONS OF THE PERFORMERS ON 

THE STAGE, AND THE WHOLE OF THE 

STAGE BUSINESS. 



Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1S70, by 
R. R. ANDREWS, 
in the Office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington. 



CAMBRIDGE: 
PRINTED FOR THE AUTHOR. 

1876. 



AN ORIGINAL FARCE, 



IN ONE ACT. 



WALLOP'S WOOING, 



R. R. ANDREWS, Esq. 

AUTHOR OF " SILVERSTOXE'S AVAGER," "SHE'S FAST ASLEEP," ETC. 
TO WHICH IS ADDED 

A DESCRIPTION OF COSTUME, CAST OF CHARACTERS, ENTRANCES AND 

EXITS, RELATIVE POSITIONS OF THE PERFORMERS ON 

THE STAGE, AND THE WHOLE OF THE 

STAGE BUSINESS. 






Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by 

R. R. ANDREWS, 
in the Office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington. 



CAMBRIDGE: 
PRINTED FOR THE AUTHOR. 

1876. 




WALLOP'S 



WOOING. ^ 
' T 5P r 



LIST OF CHARACTERS 

Wallop 

Col. Wampus 

Stillman 

Knaggs 

Kate 

Blanche 

Kitty . 

Plays forty-five minutes. Time, present. 



.^1 

A bachelor, and quite a catch. 

A military father. 

Poor, but in love. 

Wallop's footman. 

A maiden with a strong.mind. 

Sister to Kate. 

The house-maid. 



COSTUMES OF CHARACTERS. 

Wallop. — Blue dress coat, light trowsers, fancy waistcoat, white 

hat, large fob chain, dark bald wig. 
Col. Sam. — Undress military coat, buttoned up to chin, dark 

trowsers, wig and military whiskers, sandy. 
Stillman. — Modern walking dress. 

Knaggs. — Nice footman's dress ; 2d dress made up police suit. 
Kate. — Nice afternoon dress. Second entrance, opera cape, 

(same as Blanche uses in 1st entrance). 3d entrance, hat and 

umbrella in hand, shawl over arm. 
Blanche. — Light afternoon walking dress and opera cape, hat, 

etc. 2d entrance, afternoon dress. 
Kitty. — Smart housemaid's dress, apron, cap and slippers, bright 

colors. 

PROPERTIES. 

A book, to be used as " Tennyson's Poems"; a handsome 
bouquet for Blanche, 1st entrance ; a large ring for Wallop ; rail- 
road tickets; pair 'of pistols : a newspaper. 



Clias. D. Lent he. Printer. 478 Washington Street, Boston. 



WALLOP'S WOOING. 



Scene (no change.) Handsomely furnished room. — Large 
windows c. opening out on porch. — Doors r. and l. — Table c. 

Kitty at table reading. Knaggs r.2e. looking in. 

Kitty. 

" Here he lives in state and bounty, 
Lord of Burleigh, fair and free ; 
Xot a lord in all the country, 
Istso great a lord as he." 

Oh ! I wish I could get married to a great lord. Some folks does 
have such luck. 

Knaggs. (Coining down c.) Well, I'm blessed if you ain't 
taking it easy. 

Kitty. (Starting.) Lor' Knaggs, how you startled me ! Hello ! 
got on a new livery, eh? 

Knaggs. Well, yes, and a nice fit, too. Master's getting very 
particular since he met your young missus. Would you have 
known me. Kitty? 

Kitty. Known you? Why of course I should. I'd know you 
b} T your nose, anywhere. Knaggs. 

Knaggs. You're a healthy one to take the conceit out of a fel- 
low, you are. It's colored by exposure. 

Kitty. Gin and water, more like. 

Knaggs. No, I never mix liquors. It's pure and unadulterated 
for me. What was you reading? 

Kitty. Did you hear me Knaggs? I was a reading of a chap 
as was a photographer, or at least the heroess thought he was ; 
she was a poor gal, but he turned out to be a great lord, and took 
her to a great castle, where she died of grief after giving birth to 
three little babies. 

Knaggs. No ! Did she tho' ? Well. I'd a thought she would. 






4 WALLOP S WOOING. 

Kitty. Yes, and there's lots of nice stories in that book. 
There's one as tells of a bad man as taxed the poor, and starved 
'em ; and he told his wife if she'd ride through the town without 
any things on, he'd stop it. 

Knaggs. Well, that's a health}' story, that is. 

Kitty. Yes, and }'OU see they got her a horse, all covered over 
with gold and jewelry and she got on and rode all through the 
town, and nobody didn't look 'cept one, and he's blind now. 

Knaggs. Is he though? 

Kitty. Yes, and so the man didn't let the poor people starve 
any longer, and so they loved the woman, so they did. 

Knaggs. I'd a thought they would, all but the blind chap.* I 
say, Kitty, where's my master? 

Kitty. Gone out walking with Miss Blanche. He's spoons on 
Blanche. Was you ever spoons on anyone, Knaggs? 

Knaggs. Well. yes. It's a weakness we all gets a taste on 
.sometimes. 

Kitty. He's got lots of kite paper, hasn't he? 

Knaggs. Kite paper ! 

Kitty. Well, some calls it kite paper, and some calls it mint 
drops, and again some others calls it shinplasters and tin. 

Knaggs. Well I'm blowed. Can't you say pounds, shillings 
and pence? Of course he has. He's every thing but a wife. 

Kitty. That's why he's soft on Blanche.* Kind of fuddled like. 
Was he ever married? 

Knaggs. Why of course not, he's a bachelor. 

Kitty. That's a person as don't believe in getting married ; I 
ain't no bachelor. 

Knaggs. Well, no ; not exactly. 

Kitty. 'Tween you and I, Knaggs, there's another fellow with 
a finger in the pie ; a Mr. Stillman, only he's poor as a church 
mouse. Blanche likes him best. Wallop might try for Kate. 

Knaggs. The Lord deliver him. 

Kitty. 80 I says. She's a strong minder, and whoever she 
marries, she'll wear the breeches ; depend on it. 

Knaggs. She'll wear the whole suit, breeches and all. 

Kitty. (Looking off k.) Hush! (Dusting.) She's coming. 
Enter Kate, r.2e. 

Kate. What! So you're not through vet ? All the afternoon 
at this room, and nothing done? Go down stairs, vou hussv ! 



WALLOPS WOOING. 

Kitty. Yes, ma'am, going. (Aside.) My eyes, won't Knaggs 
catch it though? (Exit r.2e.) 

Kate. Well, Flunkey, who are you? 

Knaggs. I'm Knaggs, if you please, ma'am. 

Kate. Well, and who's Knaggs? 

Knaggs. Wallop's man, if you please. 

Kate. Well, you don't please ; so take yourself off, quick. 

Knaggs. I will, ma'am. (Going. Aside.) She's brassy. 
(Aloud.) I wishes you good eveniug, ma'am. (Exit r.2e.) 

Kate. The impudent puppy. Like the sex. (Sits r.c.) 
Enter Col. Sam, r.2e. 

Col. Sam. (Looking out door r.2e.) Keep your own side 
next time. (Coming doivn l.) Who was that? He came near 
knocking me down stairs. What an atmosphere, phew ! Smells 
like a livery stable. Who was that fellow, Kate? 

Kate. Wallop's man. 

Col. Sam. (Seats himself l.c.) Throw open the windows. 
Phew ! Where's Blanche? 

Kate. (Going to window c.) Coming down the walk with Wal- 
lop. (Opens windows.) He's evidently fascinated with the 
milk and water minx. (Coming down r.c.) 

Col. Sam. Sour grapes ; eh ! Kate ? 

Kate. And you encourage them? Very well, I can torment 
and get high living from you as long as I'm single, and you're 
able to pay for it. There's comfort in that. 

Col. Sam. It's comforting to know I've not got much more 
money to spend on 3^011 girls. As for living high, 'twill be in an 
attic soon, unless vou or Blanche marry a man with money, like 
Wallop. 

Kate. Blanche won't marry Wallop. 
Col. Sam. And he hates you. 

Kate. Hates me, does he? Why, I could scare the. fool into 
matrimony if I tried. 

Col. Sam. Why don't you try then? 

Kate. I never have a chance to catch him alone ; he's always 
with Blanche. And she's dead set on Stillman. They are a 
good couple ; why do you interfere ? 

Col. Sam. Because I hold her as a bait for someone with 
mone}\ She marry Stillman ? Never ! 

Kate. You might get me off your hands if she did. 



() wallop's wooing. 

Col. Sam. Gad ! That would tempt me if anything would. 
( Walking up c.) I'll think of it. Ah ! here they come. 

Kate. Then I'll go to my room. (Exit l.2e.) 

Col. Sam. Lord, but I pity the poor devil who marries that 
girl. (Down n.) 

Enter Wallop and Blanche, r.2e. 

Wallop. (Down c.) Ah, my dear Miss Wampus, here we are 
at home again. How I do delight to bask in the sunshine with 
such a creature — to sit, to sit in the lap of — of — 

Blanche, (r.c.) Mr. Wallop ! 

Wallop. Of luxury, luxury my dear. You have enjo} x ed j*our 
walk, Miss Wampus? 

Blanche. Yes, Wallop, I did enjoy the walk. 

Wallop. (Aside.) Nothing said about the company. 

Blanche. I always enjo}^ a walk just at evening. And you 
were so kind to get these flowers for me, so kind. (Shoivs bou- 
quet.) 

Wallop. Prav don't mention it, Miss Wampus ; a mere trifle. 
(Aside.) A mere trifle, cost me a guinea ; boy evidently thought 
me spooney, and took advantage of my embarrassment. (Aloud.) 
Ah, Miss Wampus, there are many things blooming — a — bloom- 
ing, more beautiful than flowers, left to bloom with, a — with — 

Col. Sam. Ahem ! 

Wallop. (Aside.) The devil ! the Colonel! I didn't know he 
was here. (Aloud.) Ah, Colonel, good-evening. You see Col- 
onel, we've got back. Your daughter is safe in my care, Colonel. 

Col. Sam. Ah, Wallop, my hoy, back again, eh? 

Wallop. Yes, Colonel. (Aside.) Called me his boy ; evidently 
will favor my suit. (Aloud.) Yes, Colonel, nice walk — very 
nice walk. The trees — the trees sang beautifully — Colonel — 
yes — no — the — the birds looked green, very green — 3-es — ah 
— no — (wiping face with handkerchief.) Don't it strike you. 
Colonel Wampus, that it's a little warm? 

Col. Sam. ( Getting up, going l.) Not uncomfortably so. 
Excuse me for a time, Wallop. I leave you in good company. 
(Exit l.2e.) 

Wallop. (Sits r.c.) So he does, Miss Wampus, so he does. 
I should be charmed to be in such company forever and a day. 
(Taking up book.) Ah! What have we here? Tennyson, as I 
live. (Blading.) 



WALLOP S WOOING. 7 

4; Your ringlets, your ringlets, 
That look so golden gay, 
If you will give me one, but one, 
To kiss it night and day." 

Now, that is rather pretty, Miss Wampus. 

Blanche, Most too sentimental, Wallop. But I should dearly 
love to have you read to me. 

Wallop. I am but an indifferent reader at best, Miss Wam- 
pus. 

Blanche. Do read. I dote on Tennyson. 

Wallop. (Aside.) She dotes on Tennyson! (Aloud.), But 
what shall I read? 

Blanche. With Tennyson you can open anywhere, and you'll 
find a gem. 

Wallop. Certainly, Miss Wampus, to please you ; for, as I 
say, I am but an indifferent reader, and wouldn't read poetry to 
a dying grandmother if it would keep her alive a second ; but to 
please xoxx — to please you — I'll try — at the top of this page. 
(Reading.) 

" She sought her lord, and found him, where he strode 
About the hall, among his dogs, alone, 
His beard a foot before him, and his hair 
A yard behind." 

Blanche. Good gracious, Wallop, what long hair ! 

Wallop. So it was, so it was. Then a yard behind don't seem 
poetical. More as though they were speaking of a tenement- 
house, with a place to dry the washing. (Reading.) 

" She told him of their tears, 
And prayed him, ' if they pay this tax, the}' starve.' 
Whereat he stared, replying, half amazed, 
% You would not let your little ringer ache 
For such as these?' 'Alas ! ' she said, 
' But prove me what it is I would not do.' 
And from a heart as rough as Esau's hand 
He answer'd, ' Ride you naked — ' 

( Spoken . ) What — ride you — Eh ! ( Turning leaves fast. ) Ah ! 
Miss Wampus, excuse me, but here's something very choice. I 



?S WALLOP S WOOING. 

recognize the familiar lines. {Reading fast and very much ex- 
cited.) 

;i The glass blew in, the fire blew out, 
The blast blew hard and harder, 
Her cap blew off, her dress blew up, — " 

(Spoken.) The devil ! Worse and more of it. (Turns leaves fast.) 
Listen, Miss Wampus. (Reads.) 

u She blushed, her cheeks were rosy light. 
She glanced across the plain, 
But not a creature was in sight, 
She kissed me once again." 

(Spoken.) O, Lord! O, Lord! What does she take me for? 
The devil's in that book. (Aloud.) A — a — my selections a — 
were rather unfortunate, Miss Wampus. I assure you, I — tried 
to — do justice to — the subject. 

Blanche. Yes — Wallop — you — read finely. I was — was 
was very much interested ; a — your selections — were — were 
very fine. No I don't mean that ; yon read them very graphic- 
ally . I — I seemed to see — no — 

Wallop. Yes, yes, exactly; that is — a — (Aside.) Hang, 
shoot, and quarter me, if I ever read blind again. 

Blanche. I — I think Wallop — it must be near supper time. 
Don't you think I'd better go and find out. It must be nearlj* 
ready. 

Enter Col. Sam, l. with paper. 

Wallop. (Book in hand.) Perhaps it is ; perhaps on the whole 
you'd better go. Ah ! Colonel, you are here. 

Col. Sam. (Down c.) Yes, Wallop. (Seeing book.) Hello! 
been reading poetry, eh ? Filling my girl's head full of nonsense ? 

Wallop. (Earnestly.) No, Colonel, on honor, no. It was a 
kind of — a — hymn, a — something — a strictly — a — strictly 
modest I assure you. 

Blanche. Something — something from Scott, papa. 

Col. Sam. Scott? nonsense ! (leaking book from Wallop.) 
This is Teiinyson. 

Blanche. Yes, of course ; one of Tennyson's novels. 

Col. Sam. Tennyson don't write novels. Wallop, you've been 
sentimental, vou alv dog. 



wallop's wooing. 9 

Wallop. No, Colonel, no, on honor. I read to Miss Wampus 
— a — a choice bit — a — of — romance. 

Blanche. Yes, papa, that's it exactly. 

Wallop. Don't you think it rather warm here. Colonel? 

Col. Sam. Do you think it too warm, Blanche? 

Blanche. O dear, no ; I think it rather cool. 

Wallop. Yes, quite c >ol, quite cool. ( Wiping face.) 

Col. Sim. (Aside.) What does this nonsense mean? (Aloud.) 
Blanche, your sister wants you in her room. 

Blanche. Very well, good bye for a few minutes, Mr. Wallop. 
I'll be back soon. (Exit l.2e.) 

Wallop. Did it ever strike you. Colonel Wampus, that 
Miss Wampus was an exceedingly fine creature? 

Col. Sam. Creature ! my daughter is not a brute. 

WaVop. Certainly not. I mean she is — a — very nice — 
woman. 

Col. Sim. She's very well in her modest way ; but there's 
Kate. Norv, Wallop, there's a superior woman for you. 

Wallop. But, Colonel, I don't like a superior woman. I 
strongly object to a superior woman. (Aside.) Wants to throw 
his eldest at me. I'll change the subject. (Aloud.) Any news, 
Co^uel? 

Col. Sam. Not much of anything. Money is devilish tight. 

Wallop. On a bust, eh? (Aside.) If I were not so timid, so 
remarkably timid, I might speak and ask for the fair hand of 
Blanche. (Aloud.) Ahem ! Did you ever — did you ever think, 
Colonel — do you think seriously of marrying your daughter, 
Colonel Wampus ? 

Col. Sam. Many my daughter ! Xo, indeed ! I think if I 
should many I'd take the daughter of somebod}^ else. 

Wallop. Quite right, quite right. (Aside.) That's evidently 
a turn off. Young Stillman was sacked in an exceedingly un- 
pleasant manner ; couldn't sit down for a week. That young man 
is very jealous of me, very. I plainly saw manslaughter in his 
eyes this afternoon. Heavens ! if he should challenge me. ■ I 
hadn't thought of that. (Aloud.) Did 3^011 ever fight a duel, 
Colonel? 

Col. Sam. Oh, yes, twice. 

Wallop. Sho ! Have you.? Anyone hurt? 

Col. Sam. O, yes. I was myself touched. 



10 wallop's wooing. 

Wallop. And people are sometimes killed? 

Col. Sam. I acted second for a hot-headed young gentleman, 
who fell dead and bleeding at my feet. 

Wallop. Did you ? My blood positively freezes. But I thought 
they used broad-swords at twenty paces. 

Col. Sam. Broad-swords, indeed. No, sir. The style now is, 
over a table, revolvers, stand and lire until somebody's killed or 
wounded. (Lights gradually down.) 

Wallop. O, Lord ! What a bloodthirsty method. No, I'll 
never accept a challenge, never. (Col. Sam gets up.) Are you 
going, Colonel? 

Col. Sam. Yes, Wallop, you'll have to excuse me. It's the 
hour to review the Tigers. (Exit l.) 

Wallop. Review the tigers. The very notion strikes me with 
terror. Why is it that some men can calmly review such animals, 
while others, myself among the number, tremble at the sight of 
an uncaged mouse? I'll light a cigar to quiet my nerves. 
(Takes out cigar, lights it.) If there's one thing above another to 
quiet a man's nerves, it is a fine cigar. Now there's Blanche, 
she is an angel. I haven't the least doubt but if her coverings 
could only be removed, two wings would be brought to view. 
Not the least doubt of it, and should love to see them. Ah, 
what a future mine would be with her ; she said she would come 
back soon. Hark ! I hear her footstep now. Lord bless me, 
how excited I am to be sure, all of a tremble. 

Enter Kate, her head covered with white cape, l. 

Kate. (Softly.) Ah ! Wallop, you expected me? 

Wallop. I did ; but, oh ! call me Gustavus. 

Kate. (Passionately.) Dear Gus. 

Wallop. (Aside.) Dear Gus. Heavens ! I'm all in a flutter ; 
the very thought suggests cottages, climbing roses, babies ! Wal- 
lop be firm. (Striking his breast.) Stay down, thou flutterer. 
!She distinctly said clear Gus. (Puffing cigar.) 

Kate. And oblige me by tossing your cigar out of the win- 
dow. 

Wallop. Eh! what? 

Kate. I said throw your cigar out of that window, quick ! 

Wallop. Certainly, my love. (Aside.) Well, she's d — d 
cool about it. (Throwing cigar aivay.) 

Kate. Now. let us be seated. (They seat themselves.) 



wallop's WOOING. 11 

Wallop. Now, my love. 

Kate. You won't think ill of me for coming unattended ; I 
couldn't help it, Gkis, indeed I couldn't. (Gels up, feels of 
seat.) Excuse me, Gus, but is your seat a comfortable one? 
Wallop. Eh ! yes, very comfortable, thank you. 

Kate. And there are none of those horrid springs sticking up 
in it. 

Wallop. None, whatever : none, whatever. 

Kate. You are quite sure.it is very comfortable. 

Wallop. I am quite sure, my dear. (Enjoying it.) 

Kate. Then give it to me ; this one is wretched. 

Wallop. (Surprised.) Give it to you ! O. yes, certainly. 

Kate. (Taking Wallop's chair.) Ah! this is something like. 
(Bouncing in chair.) As I was saying, Gus, I couldn't help 
coming alone. Sister knows I'm here. I hesitated, but con- 
cluded to come, as I knew I should find yon alone, in the moon- 
light. 

Wallop. Well, I am alone ; that is, was alone, until you came. 
(Aside.) This is getting somewhat interesting. 

Kate. I don't have a chance like this, often, Gus. Come 
closer . ( Edging up . ) 

Wallop. (Aside.) Be calm, Wallop, be cairn thou flutterer. 

Kate. (Arm about his neck.) Dear Wallop. 
Wallop. Don't! Don't do that. I'm exceedingly ticklish; 
don't ! Such things are well enough after marriage ; we'd better 
wait. 

Kate. O, Wallop ! I'm so weak. A poor little weak woman. 
(Hides face in hands.) 

Wallop. (Aside.) She was as strong as an ox this afternoon ; 
actually leaped over a five barred gate. 

(Have a strong white light fall on them from c. window.) 
(Aloud.) Ah, my dear, don't, don't let jour feelings run away 
with you. Be calm. Don't you see how calm I am? Why don't 
you take this thing off? (Kisses her.) Take this cape off; there, 
let me look into those eyes from the moonlight. What ! ( Throws 
cape off.) Great heavens ! Is it possible? The wrong sister by 
all that's damnable ! ( Goes it.) 

Kate. Well, sir, why don't you seat yourself? 
Wallop. Don't speak to me, impostor. I'm dangerous, fear- 
fullv dangerous. 



12 wallop's wooing* 

Ka/e. Wallop, sit down ! ! ! (Slams chair.) 

Wallop. (Frightened.) Ye — s, yes my love, certainly. (Aside.) 
I'm as meek as a lamb. 

Kate. (Sternly.) And mind 3-011 listen to me. (Mildly.) 
Although our tongues have been silent, our eyes have con- 
versed. 

Wa 7 lop. No ma'am, my eyes never — 

Kate. Silence ! Don't interrupt me again. Your attentions 
to dear, deluded Blanche, though painful to me, have afforded me, 
in reasonable moments the greatest satisfaction. 

Wallop. (Aside.) What the devil does she mean? 

Kate. Who but myself could have guessed the noble self- 
devotion which animated you in averting the suspicions of the 
world from the secrets of our souls. 

Wallop. But I have no secret, ma'am. 

Kate. Ah, yes you have, Gus, and I know why you are so 
much with Blanche ; it is to prevent people from observing our 
attachment. 

Wallop. No, I'll be blessed if it is. 

Kate. O, but I am not offended. 

Wallop. Well, that's comforting. 

Kate. No, for I understand the signs by which you reciprocate 
my affection. 

Wallop. I'm hanged if I do. (Aside.) Oh, she's very mad. 

Kate. And now, Gus, you have my permission to see 
Blanche often ; in fact to go on as you've been going. 

Wallop. Well, that's lucid. 

Kate. For it disarms suspicion. Father would never consent 
to such a match for me. 

Wallop. (Starting up.) Wouldn't, eh ! The Colonel's a brick. 
I'm willing to be kicked any number of times, and at once. 
( Getting up, going c.) 

Ka'e. What, sir ! ! 

Wallop. (Aside.) O, Lord, she's going again. (Aloud.) 
There, there, don't; pray don't excite yourself so. (Sits.) 

Ka/e. What did you say, sir! (Scowls.) 

Wallop. Heavens ! she's roused ; I must try and pacify her. 
(Aloud.) Be calm now, be calm. We wont mind your papa, I 
dare say we shall be happy. Don't be angry with your Gus, 
but above all, don't wrinkle up your front so. 



wallop's wooing. 13 

Kate. Then you will love, cherish, and protect me, Gussie, 
vou will ! {Throws her arms about his neck.) Swear it. 

Wallop. Damn it, madam ! {Struggling.) 

Kate. Ah, Wallop, best of men. {Hiding her head on his 
shoulder.) 

Wallop. But — but, madam, consider. 

Kate. {Looking up.) Ah, Gus, a kiss — only one. 

Wallop. Good Lord, madam, what do }~ou take me for. 

Kate. A kiss, Gus, only one to seal the bond. 

Wallop. Bond? what bond? I never give bonds. 

Kate. I'll not leave your sheltering arms until I've had one 
kiss. 

Wallop. {Noise outside.) O, Lord! there's somebody coming. 
Get out of 1113' arms. {Struggling. ) 

Kate. Never ! without a kiss. 

Wallop. {Kisses her.) There, now go, and never ask for 
more . 

Kate. Another. 

Wallop. {Kisses her.) There, and now for heaven's sake be off, 
out of my sight, away. 

Kate. But give me some pledge, this ring of yours. {Taking 
up hand and taking off ring.) This shall be the pledge. I 
go, but mark me, Wallop, I'll return, and soon. Till then, 
sweetheart, good by. {Exit l.2e.) 

Wallop. {Amazed.) Am — am I awake? My diamond gone ! 
Larceny from the person and to the person's face. Heavens ! and 
I am pledged, and to that woman. Oh ! where are the local 
police? {Enter Stillman, r.) O, it's you, sir, well, sir? 

Stillman. So ! I find you at last, and alone. You are aware 
what I am here for ? 

Wallop. No, sir, I'm aware of nothing. I'm in a horrible 
dream. {Giving arm.) Pinch me, young man, pinch me-. 

Stillman. I'll pinch vou directly, sir. Let me tell you your 
conduct to Miss Blanche has been most disgraceful, sir. And 
you a rusty old bachelor ; you should know better. {Snaps fingers 
in his face.) 

Wallop. My friend, be very careful of your epithets, I am 
naturally timid but I might get roused. I admit I am a bachelor, 
very much a bachelor, but that I'm old or rusty, why damme, sir. 
hold vour tongue. 



14 wallop's wooixg. 

Stillman. You are old, old enough to be the father, perhaps 
grandfather, of the lady you force your odious attentions upon. 
Old enough to know better, sir. 

Wallop. Go on, sir, go on. 

Stillman. Yes, sir, I shall go on ; I'm not so blind that I can't 
see through your chalk and plumpers ! 

Wallop. {Excitedly.) Chalk and plumpers ! chalk and plump- 
ers ! Young man, beware, you may rouse the lion within me ; be- 
ware, sir, or I'll have satisfaction, sir. 

Stillman. I'll satisfy you for that matter; you have insulted 
me, sir, vou have insulted the lady. 

Wallop. What? 

Stillman. By your odious attentions. I mean business, I want 
satisfaction, sir. 

Wallop. You do. (Aside.) I'll terrify him. (Aloud, bristling 
up.) You shall have satisfaction, sir. S 'death, sir, }^ou have 
roused the lion within me ; but one word more, and } r ou shall see 
your mangled and gory form stretched on the carpet stiff in death. 

Stillman. Indeed ! 

Wallop. Don't it terrify you? 

Stillman. Zounds, sir, you only make an ass of yourself. In 
one word, sir, are you willing to give up Miss Wampus? 

Wallop. Willing, young man, willing? Would you be willing 
to run from the grip of the devil? 

Stillman. What do you mean ? 

Wallop. What do I mean? I mean, sir, that I am to have no 
voice in the matter ; I am to be compelled to marry her. 

Stillman. Who, Blanche? 

Wallop. No, my dear sir. it isn't Blanche, it's the other. 

Stillman. What, Kate? Impossible. 

Wallop. No, sir, it's not impossible ; nothing is impossible 
with a strong minded woman. She's got my ring as a pledge, and 
I'm to be led like a lamb to the slaughter. 

Stillman. O, my dear sir, I feel for you. I do sincerely, — ha, 
ha, ha ! 

Wallop. Yes, it appears you do. 

Stillman. Wallop, you've been regularly taken in and done 
for, — ha, ha, ha ! 

Wallop. Don't laugh at me. mine is a sensitive nature and it 
irritates me exceed inglv. 



wallop's wooing. 15 

Stillman. Can't help it tho', — ha, ha, ha! See here, my 
friend, I'll get you out of this scrape. 

Wallop. You will? 
• Stillman. On one condition. 

Wallop. Name it, young man, name it. 

Stillman. No more of your attentions to Blanche. 

Wallop. I won't speak to her again. If you will take her 
sister's spoke from out my wheel, anything, yes everything I have 
shall be 3-ours. 

Stillman. But how to get the ring back, there's the rub. 
Stay ! Has she any other claim ? Have you ever kissed or 
fondled her? 

Wallop. Well, yes, I've kissed and fondled her, but you see 
I thought it was the younger Miss Wampus. 

S till man. Indeed, the younger Miss Wampus. 

Wallop. But you know I'll not do it again. 

Stillman. See here, Wallop, if old Wampus gets the best of 
you, he'll make a case of breach of promise of it, and you'll be 
pretty likely to lose everything. 

Wallop. I thought so, I thought so ! Is there no escape? 

Stillman. I don't know ; he'd follow you to the ends of the 
earth. 

Wallop. You terrify me ! ( Walking r. and l.) 

Stillman. I know the old man, but don't give way. I'll see 
what I can'do for you. There, there, don't get excited. Take a 
stroll out in the cool air. It will quiet your nerves wonderfully. 

Wallop. I will, I will ; see, I'm all of a shake. Young man, 
be cautious. {Going — returns.) Young man, don't do any- 
thing rash. Be calm and cool. O, Lord ! O, Lord ! {Exit r.) 

Stillman. Well, Miss Kate, you've got that fly in your web 
pretty securely, and how the devil am I to go to work to get him 
out? How to get the ring? Ah ! but I've an idea. If I could 
get one of the rural police, or somebody to act as one, I might 
accomplish something. We'll see. Hello ! Someone comes ; 
perhaps I shall hear something I can make use of. I'll slip in 
here and listen. ( Goes behind window curtain c.) 
Enter Kate and Blanche, l.2e. 

Blanche. But I don't understand it. 

Kate. That is of no consequence. 

Blanche. Yes : but that's Wallop's diamond ring. 



16 wallop's woorNG. 

Kate. It was Wallop's you mean. 

Blanche. And how did you come by it? 

Kate. That's none of your business ; but it's right and proper 
that you should know this much ; I'm to be married to Wallop 
tomorrow. 

Blanche. Married to Wallop, to-morrow ? 

Kate. Exactly so. 

Blanche. Poor fellow, I pity him ; I do indeed. 

Kate. None of your impertinence, Miss. 

Blanche. You will lead him a pretty life, won't you ? 

Kate. I trust I shall be able to govern him. {Exit r.Ie. 
slamming door..) 

Blanche. I think there'll be no doubt about that ; poor 
wretch. (Stillman comes down c.) Why, George ! How r you 
startled me. Where did you come from? Did you hear what 
Kate said? 

Stillman. Every word of it, and what's more, I'm going to try 
and get Wallop out of the scrape. I've a half matured plan — 
somebodv's coming ; step out with me and I'll give you an idea 
of it, (Exit both c.) 

Enter Wallop and Knaggs, r.2e.) 

Wallop. (Excited.) Knaggs, are you quite sure you couldn't 
do it, quite sure, Knaggs? 

Knaggs. Drive twenty-eight miles in two hours. No, sir, it 
can't be done. Wrrv, I never heard of but one horse as could do 
that, — Tarn O'Shanty's mare. 

Wallop. Could yon get him Knaggs, could you g*et him for me? 

Knaggs. What ! No, sir, I don't think as how I could get 
him. (Aside.) What's the matter with the boss? 

Wallop. Then farewell Australia ; I shall never see your 
golden shore. 

Knaggs. Well, if the worst has come, you might go by tele- 
graph. 

Wallop. Knaggs, I am possessed of a devil. 

Knaggs. Sho ! You ain't though? 

Wallop. O, why was I born, Knaggs. why was I born? 

Knaggs. Too young to help yourself, I suspects. 

Wallop. You're a philosopher, Knaggs, a philosopher. But 
tell me, did — did you ever try poison: only a little I mean: 
just to see what the effect was? 






wallop's wooing. 17 

Knaggs. I've had many kinds of poor liquors in my day, sir. 

Wallop. And you were never drowned? 

Knaggs. Well, I can't remember as I ever were. 

Wallop. What shall be done? Knaggs, go and cram, actually 
cram the span with oats. 

Knaggs. They's had their night's feed, sir. 

Wa'lop. Go ! go and do as I bid you ; and be ready to leave at 
a moment's notice. 

Knaggs. I'm going. (Aside.) He's crazy. (Exit r.2e.) 

Wallop. Something desperate must be done, Wallop, and }'OU 
and I must do it. Shall we be humbled and trodden upon by a 
petticoat? Never! We must be brave — (Breaking down.) O, 
but I'm not brave, altho' I just had a fall glass of 'raw brandy, 
and my interior is in a living blaze of fire. Something dreadful's 
coming; I know it. I feel it in my bones. (Enter Kate r.Ie. 
Seeing her.) I told you so. Lord! how desperate she looks. 
(Retreating back R.) 

Kate. I thought you would be waiting for me. Sit down, love, 
sit down. 

Wallop. Thank you ; but if it's all the same to }'ou, I'd rather 
stand. 

Kate. (Slamming chair.) Wallop ! Sit down ! 

Wallow (Sitting quickly.) Yes — yes 1113' love. Are — we 
all alone ? 

Kate. Yes, Gus ; I saw no other opportunity to tell } T ou what 
has happened — Hush! father's found us out. He say's he'll 
kill you before he'll let you have me. Think of that. 

Wallop. I'm ready ; I'm quite ready. I don't want you (get- 
ting ap), and I won't have — 

Kate. Wallop ! Sit down ! 

Wallop. O, Lord! it's no use, she's too much for me. 

Kate. He's found out, I tell jou. And to put an end to the 
possibility of our deceiving him, he starts away with us to-mor- 
row. 

Wallop. (Aside.) A ray of hope. (Aloud.) Well, my dear, 
I shall try and bear this trial with fortitude. 

Kate. O, no, my clear Gus ; I've a much better plan than that. 
Hush ! We must elope to-night ! 
Wallop. Great heavens ! 

Kate. Yes. to-niffht. 



18 wallop's wooing. 

Wallop. My dear, I — I know it's not usual, but on this occa- 
sion, couldn't 3'ou elope alone? 

Kate. To leave 3^011, Gus ? never! 

Wallop. Gus, be — blessed! 

Kate. I'm of age. We will get a special license. We will 
stop with friends of mine, who will be happy to do the proper 
thing by us until the necessary time has elapsed. Once married, 
it can't be helped, and father must forgive. Shall we not be 
happy, Gussie? 

Wallop. Happy? But, a — a — suppose — just suppose, you 
know — that they catch us. Think, — think of the disgrace. 
(Aside.) A drowning man catches at a straw. 

Kate. O, my love, w^e mustn't think of that. 

Wallop. But — but, perhaps I might get shot; think of that, 
then. 

Kate. But you sha'n't get shot, Gus. 

Wallop. My dear, before we start to such an extreme course 

— a — don't you think I'd better go and plead with the colonel? 
Yes, (getting up) I will speak to him, with tears in my eyes ; he 
will overcome his scruples before the eloquence of manly tears. 

Kate. Do nothing of the kind. You don't know him. He's a 
hotspur. Why, he thinks there's nobody good enough for me. 

Wallop. That's it — I've just found it out. I'm not good enough 
for you. I'm not good enough for you. I'm a villain, knave, 
rogue, rascal, everything that's bad. Miss Wampus, I am a 
monster ! 

Kate. (Patting him under chin.) No, you're not a monster ; 
you're my own Walley-Polley, so you are. 

Wallop. Don't, don't do that ; you'll ruffle my collar. 

Kate. So you're a rogue, are you? (Hugs him. — Enter Kitty 
r.2e.) See how fearless I am. 

Wallop. Madam, madam, consider, I'm a modest man. What 

— what do you take me for? (Gets away from Kate, goes l.) 
Kitty. (Coming down c. — Aside.) O, but she's playing the 

deuce with him. (Aloud.) Please, ma'am here's the tickets. 
Goes at eleven, sharp. ( Gives tickets to Kate. Aside to Wal- 
lop.) You'd better give in and come away eas\~, for she's game. 
Kale. Here are the tickets, Gus. We have but an hour. I 
must get ready. Pack up your linen, and above all, keep mum. 
I'll be back in a few minutes. (Exit l.2e.) 






wallop's wooing. 19 

Wallop. O, Lord! I'm bottled in spite of myself. What — 
what am I to do? (Walking r. and l.) What could any man 
do against such feminine resources? {Enter Stillman, r.2e. — 
Seeing him.) Tell me, .young man, is there a ray of hope? 

Stillman. Has anything turned up? 

Wallop. Has anything turned up? Everything's turned up. 
I'm completely turned up. Beware how you encourage hope. 
She's going to elope me off with her to-night. 

Stillman. No ; not to-night. 

Wallop. Within half-an-hour. 

Stillman. Then there's not a moment to be lost. Wallop, I'll 
save you ; ask me no questions, but submit. I'll have you ar- 
rested. (Exit hurriedly, r.2e.) 

Wallop. (Excited.) Stop! Stop! I'll not submit. I'll not be 
arrested. Great heavens ! What does he mean? This is get-tins: 
infernal. Me arrested ! Never ! I'll stop him. Hello ! Hello, 
I say ! Stop, stop ! I won't be arrested ! Stop — (Exit r.2e.) 
Enter Kitty r.2e., and Knaggs r.Ie. 

Knaggs. Who was it? (Going up c.) 

Kitty. Good Lord, I don't know. Perhaps it's thieves. 

Knaggs. (Looking out window, c.) No, it wasn't. It's my 
master. There he goes, as though the devils were after him. 

Kitty. And Miss Kate and her father is a packing up her 
things. Something's up, and it ain't no good neither. 

Knaggs. And masters made me cram the span with oats, till 
they're nearly busted. 

Wallop. (r.2e., outside.) Where, O where is Knaggs? 

Knaggs. Here, sir, and a coming. (To Kitty.) Keep an e}^e 
open, Kitty. (Exit r.Ie.') 

Kitty. That I will. I'm all agog. I never seed such doings 
afore. I wonder what's wanted of Knaggs. (Goes up c, looks 
out.) 

Enter Wallop, r.2e. 

Wallop. I won't be arrested, never ! I couldn't catch the 
young man, but — (Seeing Kitty.) Hello! Who's this, another 
female? Why, damme, it actually rains females in this house. 

Kitty. Your servant, sir. 

Wallop. No, I'll be d cl if you are. Go away, inquisitive 

female, go away : who are you? 



20 wallop's woojng. 

Kitty. I'm only the housemaid, Kitty, if you please. 

Wallop. O, 3 T ou're only Kitty ; well, you look like a creature 
with sympathies. Tell me, Kitt}', of } T our oldest mistress ; is she 
ever tender hearted, after she gets a little used to a fellow, 
eh? 

Kitty. Miss Kate? Tender hearted? O, Lor, sir, that's a good 
'an ; why she's awful ; a regular spunky one, sir. 

Wallop. O, Lord ! 

Kitty. And I just pity the poor fool as she gets hold ori; sir. 
My heart would bleed for him, sir, it would indeed. 

Wallop. {Aside.) She is sympathetic, and has a heart. 

Kittw 'Cause he'd have to fly round, sir, u like a hen with one 
chicken," so he would ; and then when she's roused, sir, — real 
biting mad, — 

Wallop. Biting mad? 

Kitty. Yes, when she's real biting mad, she's awful. 

Wallop. O, agony, agony ! 

Kitty. For if a man was brave she'd soon bring him to his 
marrow bones, and I've seen her do it. It's fun for her, sir. 
Wny, 'twould be " as easy to make a silk purse out of a sow's 
ear," as to think of living with her, so it would. 

Wallop. " Silk purse of a sow's ear;" it's rude but graphic. 
O, I can't stand this. What, O, what am I to do? Stop ; I've 
an idea. Kitty, the housemaid, look on me ; I'm well proportioned,- • 
rich and respectable, and remarkably good natured. Will you 
marrv me? 

Kitty. What, sir? 

Wallop. I know it's rather sudden, but I'll make a good hus- 
band, and in time, a father, a kind father ; see, — {Kneels.) — on 
my knees I implore. 

Kitty. {Indignant.) How.xlare you, sir ! How dare 3-011, sir J 
What would people think — Get up! (W^allop gets up.) To 
speak to me in that manner? I'll go and tell Knaggs and he shall 
chastise you. Wallop, beware ! {Exit l.2e.) 

Wallop. Here's another mess. Knaggs chastise me? I've no 
doubt he will ; and I'm to be run off with by an Amazon, have 
been refused by a menial, and am about to be chopped up by my 
own flunkey. If I'm not already a lunatic, I'll be one soon. O, 
Lord ! 0. Lord ! I'm all in a quiver. {Sinks in a chair, l.c.) 
Enter Kate. l.2e. 



wallop's wooing. 21 

Kate. I thought you would be here waiting. Are you quite 
reach'? I'm all packed. Where's your carpet-sack? {Seeing 
him.) What, asleep! Wallop, get up! 

Wallop. (Starting.) Eh, come not near me; away, detested 
one. I won't elope, never ; I'll not leave the room ; kill me if you 
will, hack me to atoms ; anything, anything, but stand off! 

Kate. Wallop ! 

Wallop. Don't Wallop me, ma'am. (Jumps up in chair.) 

Kate. Get off that chair or I'll wallop you in earnest. (Lifts 
umbrella.) 
. Wallop. Stand off, stand off, or I'll cry out. 

Kate. Be quiet, make less noise! 

Wallop. But I'll not be quiet. A moment ago I was a nin- 
compoop, but I'm now a man, and I'll make all the rjpise I wish. 
Help ! help, somebody ! Thieves ! Murder ! Police ! Hello ! 

Kate. Oh, I'll make you pa}^ for this ! 

Wallop. Help — fire — murder — police ! 
Enter Col. Sam, l.2e., Pistols in both hands. Knaggs, disguised 
as Oj policeman, r.2e., and Kitty l.Ie. 

Col. Sam. Damme, sir, what's all this howling about? Who 
is it making this infernal racket? 

Wallop. Officer, I claim the law's protection ; remove that 
female. (Pointing to Kate.) 

CoL- Sam. What, sir ! My daughter ? 

Kate. The monster, after the vows he has made ; but I'll sue 
him. Ugh! I hate you. "-: •' 

Col. Sam. An officer of the law in my house. Well, sir, what 
may your business be? 

Knaggs. To arrest one surnamed Wallop, here within dom- 
iciled, he having in his possession a diamond ring said to be 
stolen from one Adam Goodsell. I must report with his living 
body, and the ring, at headquarters at once. (To Wallop.) You 
are my man. 

Wallop. O, good Mr. Officer, I am no thief. She, — (Pointing 
to Kate) — has stolen a ring from me, the one on her first finger. 

Kriaggs. Ah, ha! that's it, the very thing described. Young 
woman, I'm sorry, bat you must come with me. 

Col. Sam. What ! My daughter ! 

Kate. Stand off, sir ! Dare you come near me. I'll tear your 
eyes out. There's the ring, take it. (Throws it at Knaggs.) But 

6 



22 wallop's wooxng. 

don't you la} r one of your dirty paws on me. He's your prisoner. 
{Points to Wallop.) The ring is his. 

Wallop. Yes, Officer, it's mine ; she stole it. 

Col. Sam. What do you say, sir? (Raises pistol.) 

Knaggs. O, don't use that. Leave him ta the law, sir. Now, 
Wallop, follow me. 

Kitty. ( Who has been looking at Knaggs.) My eyes ! 

Wallop. But Mr. Officer, I'm no thief, don't take me. I have 
the bill of sale in my carpet-sack, and can prove the ring my 
own. 

Kitty. O, but that's too good. Officer, indeed. (Punching 
Knaggs.) He's no officer, he's Knaggs. Why, I could tell him 
by his nose anywhere. (General movement.) 

Knaggs. Q, Lord! it's all up. (To Wallop.) Here's your 
ring, hold on to it — (gives ring) — and thank Mr. Stillman. 

Col. Sam. Wallop's lackey? Are you Knaggs? Speak, or 
I'll blow daylight through you. (Points pistol.) 

Knaggs. Don't, don't shoot. Yes, I'm Knaggs. 

Col. Sam. Mr. Wallop, see me, sir, Colonel Sam Wampus. 
Damme ! you've promised to marry my daughter. 

Wallop. My military friend, you lie ! 

Kate. He did. I'll sue him ; I'll ruin him ; I'll have him yet. 

Wallop. No you won't. The shoe's on the other foot now. 
No, Captain Bobadil ! I'm ready to take a bull by the horns, and 
damme, I'd rather do it than many }OU. 

Col. Sam. You shall answer to me, sir. 

Enter Blanche and Stillman, r. 

Kate. No, father, have no more to say to him. Whj r , I 
wouldn't marry that thing if I could. 

Stillman. Ah, ha ! glorious, glorious ! and Wallop has the ring, 
too. (Coming down.) Wallop, I congratulate yoa, I do indeed; 
and, Colonel, I asked you for j*oar daughter once and got kicked 
for it ; now mind you don't try that again, for I'm going to have 
her without the asking this time, 'aint I Blanche? 

Col. Sam. (Angry.) What you, you rag muffin, you seedy, 
hard-up pennyless puppy? You marry my daughter? I'm insulted. 
I'm Colonel Sam Wampus, a military man and a dead shot ; take 
one of those pistols over this table. (Slapping table with hand.) 

Stillman. (Takes pistol.) Anything to oblige. Well, sir, have 
you made your will? I'm ready. {Position* pointing pistol.) 



wallop's wooing. 23 

Col. Sam. (Cooling down.) Why, bless me, what a bloody 
young scoundrel. He evidently wants to slaughter me. 

StiUman. Defend yourself. 

Blanche. George, George, what are you about to do? 

StiUman. Bless you, he won't fight. I'm only frightening him. 

Wallop. What a family ; Waterloo was nothing to it. Come 
now, don't murder the old gent in cold blood. — give him a chance 
for prayers ; he looks as though he'd like the time. (To Col. 
8am.) Now listen to me, Col, Wampus ; I'm going to do the 
right thing by this }~oung Adonis, so you'd better let him have 
what he asks for. 

Col. Sam. Certainty, my dear sir, certainly. If you are to do 
the right thing by him, you should have said so before ; besides 
I've seen enough blood in my da}'. 

Wallop. (Aside.) Lived near some slaughter house likely. 
(Aloud.) Wampus, you've spoken like a man. (Goes to Still- 
man and Blanche.) Young man, she's yours ; young woman, }~ou 
are his. Bless, bless you both. 

Blanche. Our kind friend and benefactor. 

Wa'lop. You shall both come and live with me, and I'll be a 
father to your children, Miss Wampus. 

StiUman. Sir ! 

Wallop. Godfather, godfather, young man. 

Kitty. And I'll come and serve you. Miss Blanche. 

Wallop. So you shall. 

Col. Sam. Not so fast. If nry servant leaves me, who's to do 
the work ? 

Wallop. (Points to Kate, who sits back r.c.) Who! why, 
there's a health}*, able bodied woman over there. 

Kate. Insulting wretch ! (Stands up.) 

Wallop. Keep cool now, keep cool. 

Kate. Father, if there's any man to }'ou, you wouldn't hear 
this quietly, but you haven't the backbone of a chicken, or }'ou'd 
shoot the scoundrel. If you won't, I will. (Takes pistol, snaps it 
at Wallop who rushes behind chairs and table.) 

Wallop. Hold her, hold her. Great heavens, what will she 
do? 

Col. Sam. Never fear, Wallop, they're not loaded ; I took 
precious good pains to see they were not before I brought them 
down. 



24 wallop's wooing '. 

Wallop. (Standing up, throivs open coat.) Not loaded, not 
loaded. Then fire away, infuriated female, here's my manly 
bosom. 

Kate. Ugh! I hate you. (Throws pistol, Wallop dodges.) I 
hate allmen. I'll never marry. 

Wallop. Well, I wouldn't, — I shan't ; I've got quite enough of 
matrimony. I shall retire to my country establishment, take this 
loving pair, (Pointing to Stillman and Blanche) and wait for 
the little Stillmen. Bye-the-b}~e, they may not be so very still, 
either. Never, mind I shall take this loving pair, and — (Seeing 
Knaggs and Kitty, who are holding each others hands) I may say 
two loving pair, and wait for the little Knaggs, too. and lead an 
easy life of comfort. Are there any bachelors here ? Yes, I see 
several ; I know them by their bald heads. Let me advise you, 
my friends. Beware of strong-minded women, and profit by 
what you have seen in " Wallop's Wooing." 

curtain. 

Col. Sam. Knaggs. Kitty. Wallop. Blanche. Stillman. Kate. 

r. r.c. c. l.c l. 



' v- 



